I Think Sex for Pay Is Wrong. Should I Stay With a Partner Who Disagrees?

March 28, 2020

Illustration by Tomi Um

The Ethicist

I Think Sex for Pay Is Wrong. Should I Stay With a Partner Who Disagrees?

The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on what to do if your partner thinks exchanging money for sex is OK and more.

By Kwame Anthony Appiah

I am a man in my 20s, currently in a relationship with a 50-some-year-old man. We have been dating monogamously for about six months, and it’s been a rewarding relationship for both of us. It recently came up that before we were together, he paid people for sex in two instances. He described both those instances as involving “good” intentions between the two parties.

I strongly believe that sex for pay, in any circumstance, is morally wrong, because I don’t believe sex should be a paid service and because sex for pay reinforces a very deep problem within our society, even with “good” intentions. This is a fundamental issue for me and for people in my social circle.

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My partner and I had a long discussion about this. He disagreed with some of my viewpoints; he would still be OK with paying for sex if our relationship did not exist. I expressed that this is not OK with me, even though our monogamous relationship would prevent him from engaging in this behavior. (I believe that he would not cheat on me, given that at the beginning of our relationship, he strongly expressed his desire for a monogamous relationship when I suggested polyamory.) He views this as a small issue in the past, which I shouldn’t worry about.

I could see us going far together, but the issue of paying for sex is very fundamental to me, and something I would like my friends and partner(s) to have similar viewpoints about. Would it be wrong for me to stay with him, given how I feel about his view on paying for sex, even if he never did it again? Or would it be wrong to get out of this relationship? I realize couples should work through their differences, but my viewpoint on paying for sex is not one that is going to change because of a relationship.

Read the Ethicist’s response here.

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