My Roommate’s Boyfriend Still Visits. Can I Object?

April 18, 2020

Illustration by Tomi Um

The Ethicist

My Roommate’s Boyfriend Still Visits Despite the Outbreak. Can I Object?

The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on what to do when your roommate doesn’t understand that practicing social distancing means not seeing her boyfriend.

By Kwame Anthony Appiah

I am a woman in my mid-20s and live with a female roommate in Massachusetts. We have been under a stay-at-home advisory because of Covid-19, and we both now work remotely. For the past few weeks, I have been practicing social distancing, going out only to the supermarket and for walks and runs and keeping six feet between myself and others. Although I’m at a low (but not nonexistent) risk of falling seriously ill from the coronavirus, I don’t want to make more vulnerable members of the population sick, contribute to the spread of this virus or use up valuable health care resources.

My roommate, however, has continued to see her boyfriend. He comes over to our apartment every day around dinnertime. They typically cook dinner in our kitchen and then he stays over. The next morning, he eats breakfast in our living room and goes to his apartment to work remotely. He comes back to our apartment after work and does it all over again. My roommate’s boyfriend lives with roommates, and the roommates are not practicing social distancing to the extent that I am. The roommates are continuing to see several friends. I’m not confident that they’re all taking the proper precautions.

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In being exposed to my roommate’s boyfriend, I am also exposed to his roommates and to his roommates’ friends, at the very least. This makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. My understanding is that we should be limiting our social interactions and operating only within a closed circle (and ideally not outside of our own household).

I laid out my concerns to my roommate, and presented her with four options to close the chain of social interaction: 1) Her boyfriend moves in with us temporarily; 2) she moves in with him temporarily; 3) she goes home to her family’s house (an easy drive) and continues to do as she wishes or; 4) she stays in our apartment and stops seeing her boyfriend in person until the pandemic dies down. My roommate refused to accept any of these options. She insisted that it is her right to see her boyfriend and that she does not believe she is flouting the stay-at-home advisory. She told me that it is unreasonable of me to ask that she alter her behavior and that I am trying to assert control over what she does. She also presented a compromise: cleaning the common areas after using them and trying to ensure that the two of us come into as little contact as possible throughout the day.

I don’t believe her proposal goes far enough. She might be comfortable assuming the risks of her actions; I am not. This virus transmits easily, and having her boyfriend in the house every day introduces unknown factors into our household. We’re in the midst of a pandemic — everyone is making sacrifices and altering their way of life. I believe it is my right to feel safe and healthy in my own home, and that that right should outweigh my roommate’s perceived right to do as she pleases. I’m originally from New York City, the epicenter of the pandemic. Even if I felt safe going home (which I don’t), I don’t have a means of getting there. I’m effectively stuck in our apartment, but my roommate has other places to go.

Am I being unreasonable? Is there any other course of action we can take that I’m not seeing?

Read the Ethicist’s response here.

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