Can I Kick Out My Nightmare Adult Son?

He won't move out.

View in browser|nytimes.com Continue reading the main story October 31, 2020 Illustration by Tomi Um The Ethicist My Adult Son Moved In. It’s a Nightmare. Can I Kick Him Out? The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on evicting a relative who refuses to get help for his abusive behavior — and more. By Kwame Anthony Appiah I am a research dean and professor, and I’ve been working from home during the pandemic. I anticipate this will continue for the entire academic year. My husband retired on disability many years ago. Last December, our 30-something son lost his job and asked if he could move in with us, and how long he could stay. I told him that depended on how good of a roommate he was. The answer? Terrible. He is moody and volatile. I live on edge because I never know when he is going to blow up. He kicked a hole in a solid wood door. He has called me many derogatory names, told me I was ugly and stupid. If I don’t remember something, he accuses me of lying. I bear the brunt of our son’s behavior because my husband is mostly in bed. When my son is in a good mood, he is OK, but I never know what to expect. Continue reading the main story ADVERTISEMENT He was supposed to be working on a website to support himself. My understanding was that his staying with us was temporary. I would like him to move out. Although he complains bitterly about how horrible it is living with us, when we asked him to move, he refused. We live in a city where tenancy laws mean we would have to legally evict him. He thinks he can’t be evicted because he has been here for more than 30 days, but he doesn’t pay rent or utilities and has no lease. (He did not grow up here. We moved here a few years ago and live in an apartment that wasn’t intended for three adults.) I offered to sign him up for health insurance and pay for it, but he refused. I am paying for his car because I co-signed the loan, so I can’t afford a separate apartment for him. We strongly suspect he has mental-health issues, but he considers his problems external and won’t see a therapist — that it’s all mumbo jumbo. Given his mental state, is it unethical to evict him? I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship and desperately want him out. I realize that if we evict him, it may be the end of our relationship with him, but much of the time that feels preferable (and saner) to me than what I am living with. Read the Ethicist’s response here. THIS WEEK’S MAGAZINE Dina Litovsky/Redux, for The New York Times   Florida Could Decide the Election. Inside the Count That’s Already Underway. About 50 million Americans have already voted by mail. Here’s what processing those ballots looks like in a crucial swing state. 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